Kinky Sex Advice by Madison Young
Advice about navigating the BDSM lifestyle from seasoned kinkster, artist and educator, Madison Young.
Dear Madison,
Hello! It's so exciting that you are doing a kinky advice column. I have a question for you.
I am a queer, kinky sub with a major voice/dirty talk kink. It's probably adjacent to a hypnosis kink. I can cum from someone with the right voice and words simply speaking to me or growling at me.
I've been speaking with a British man who is a voice actor. His voice is deep and so is his erotic imagination. We have phone/cam sex and with the latter, I'm more so the one on "display" but I do get to see him too.
We don't live on the same continent, but have slowly been getting to know each other and have spoken about him visiting next spring.
I'm kind of nervous about him visiting. What if the physical attraction isn't there? I've seen him quite a few times, and he wouldn't typically be someone I would go for, but with my kink, it's been fucking amazing. I've come to care very deeply about him.
My question is: do you think meeting in person would be a mistake? I think I could transcend the lack of physical attraction, but it would be such a blow to him if I can't. And I really care about him. He also satisfies this kink so completely, I don't want to give him up because of this.
Thanks Madison! You are awesome and an inspiration.
—Distance Makes My Heart Grow Fonder
Dear Distance Makes My Heart Grow Fonder,
First of all, congratulations on this kinky romance! It sounds like you've totally found your groove and are at the precipice where the relationship may start to grow, change, or evolve—if you decide to see each other in person.
I'd like to pull apart a few things I'm noticing from your question.
Learning to be okay with the people we care about having difficult or uncomfortable feelings isn't easy, but you can be a compassionate witness to those feelings without taking responsibility for them.
Compassionate Witness
I'm hearing that you feel a responsibility for his potential feelings—that if he feels disappointed about a lack of physical connection, his disappointment would be difficult for you to sit with.
That disappointment is a possibility. But here's the thing: if you continue to grow this relationship, there will be moments when and and your partner feel disappointed. Learning to be okay with the people we care about having difficult or uncomfortable feelings isn't easy, but you can be a compassionate witness to those feelings without taking responsibility for them.
Sitting with the Unknown
I'd also like to acknowledge the anxiety that seems to be coming up around the unknown. Sometimes if we can look at ourselves as we would a dear friend or young person experiencing a difficult feeling, we can observe ourselves with more compassion.
Picture yourself as a young person, nervous about meeting someone with whom you've only been pen pals. That nervous young person may be wondering what might happen if this pal doesn't want to be friends in real life. Observe yourself with love and compassion while staying objective about the situation.
Set the Stage
Be clear about your feelings and expectations with your partner before he visits. This will help set the stage for success.
Set the scene for what kind of experience you might want to have together. For example, maybe you negotiate a scene where he doesn't physically touch you. This could be something hot that creates sexual tension. Perhaps he sits in an armchair engaging in the same type of dirty talk and dominance you enjoy during phone sex, while you remain on display, like in your cam sessions. This brings a familiar type of play to the situation.
Creative Solutions
A blindfold could be a simple way of getting you into your body, heightening your senses, and bringing your love of auditory arousal into an in-person kink dynamic. If there's a specific sound or growl that's particularly hot to you, see if you can pair that with a type of touch—if you decide to include touch - in this particular experience.
You also mentioned a hypnosis kink, which could be exciting to explore in person. The intimacy of being in the same room could add incredible depth to that dynamic.
Real Boundaries
Before sculpting your kink scene, think about what your desires are, what his desires are, and where the two intersect.
What are the clear expectations and boundaries?
Another aspect is time.
Set a time expectation for your scene and choose a place that feels comfortable and supportive for the kind of play you want to explore. Would a public play party be more comfortable, or would you prefer a more intimate experience? Having a friend or support person available is something to consider. Sometimes, it is nice to decompress with a friend.
The Bottom Line
Meeting in person isn't a mistake. But also keeping the relationship in its current dynamic is also a completely valid option. The key is managing expectations (both yours and his) and creating a framework that honors what's already working between you, while allowing space for whatever develops organically.
Your connection is built on something real and powerful. Trust that foundation, communicate openly about your concerns, and give yourselves permission to explore at whatever pace feels right.
With Love and Orgasms
Madison Young
Have a Question for Madison?
Madison Young is a long time model for Kink.com, published author, seasoned kink and sex educator and the creator of the kinky travel show 'Submission Possible' on Revry TV. Madison has toured the lifestyle for decades and opens herself up to your questions here ofr Inside KINK.
