I've filmed with Kink.com a handful of times, and the most memorable was when I was the featured star of "COLLECTION PART 2: Jiz Lee" on Wired Pussy.
The scene was filmed at the infamous San Francisco Armory, deep down the hall in one of the echoey dungeon sets. My co-star (or co-sub, in this case) was Vai, an adorable and talented performer I helped break into the industry and who I had a mega crush on. The director (and Domme) was Princess Donna Dolore, and her assistant was none other than Syd Blakovich. (Gulp!) Diehard Kink fans know what I'm talking about.
The scene was a challenge for a few reasons, and I was nervous about whether I'd be a good fit.
For one, it was my first time subbing for a BDSM shoot at a major studio, and I'm not a pain-slut.
Secondly, while tons of performers at Kink are queer-identified, most are extremely high-femme, cisgender-presenting.
I was a big name in indie erotica, but as a lean, small-chested soft-butch performer with body hair, I didn't look like a porn star.
The Line Up
Fortunately, Princess Donna had all of this in mind when she cast me. She specifically wanted to bring a queer, gender-non-conforming stable of performers into her "collection," as the title suggests. She allowed me to present as I am, without asking me to shave or wear heavy makeup or feminine clothing. She paired me with other queer and non-binary co-stars I knew and trusted. And she challenged my athleticism as much as my pain threshold.
The Tests
Princess Donna expertly met me where I was, in a manner that both tested my limits and allowed me to feel safe and in control. She knew I was flexible, was strong, and that I was curious — and she challenged all of these in the scene.
It began with a line-up of submissives touching their toes, asses exposed. I was proud to have the deepest bend. Donna instructed me to hold a metal bar, arms extended. While this activity alone would have been challenging, did I mention I wore e-stim pads that involuntarily flexed my biceps? And later, when I received a bare-handed spanking that suddenly felt so painful I found myself screaming, she was quick to check in and change course. (My yelling surprised me, too!)
Hindsight
While initially I was frustrated that I didn't push myself further in the spanking and wondered how much longer I might have lasted before using my safewords, I understood it was a good decision and wise judgment call on the part of the Domme/director.
The shoot provided a contrast to a kind of pain I realized I do love: endurance and athleticism. I also discovered that it's okay to be different from what some people expect.
Path Forward
As the years fly by, my role in the adult film industry continues to evolve. I began performing to explore my curiosities. Now, 20 years later, I'm curious about the future of sexual expression in a rapidly changing world.
I deeply value the decisions I've made, the risks I've taken, and the fact that so much of my sexual exploration has been documented on camera. Not everyone can look back at their own sexual discovery documented on video. For that, I consider myself lucky.
