Certain moments in our lives make a deep imprint on our memory and change us forever.
I've never spoken about my first "real" BDSM experience before. An experience where my body is ecstatically beaten into submission in the most profound way I could ever imagine.
This kind of experience does not revolve around what a man wants from my body, but instead centers around the depths of what my body can take and just how far I can go. The kind of experience that imparts lessons of self worth that I carry into everyday life.
I am really nervous. The whole thing is entirely new to me and honestly I have no idea what to expect out of myself...
Anticipating the Day
My first time working with Device Bondage has John Paul the Pope at the helm. I have worked with JP for the KINK site Fucking Machines, but this is a whole new level of intensity.
I have been a fan of Device Bondage for a long time, so I have some idea of what to expect on set. But I am still really nervous. The whole thing is entirely new to me and honestly I have no idea what to expect out of myself.
Reliving the Scene
Epic waves of endorphins meld my memories into one blurry storm of moments. Ecstatic and transformative moments layer on top of one another.
Moments where I am contorted into a position that has my chin on the ground and my feet wrapped up over my head.
Moments where the sting of pain and horniness builds to an unimaginable climax as the Magic Wand fits inside me.
Or the deeply visceral memories of my first experience with the cattle prod, or my first zipper, or the first time that I floated off into subspace.
So Many 'Firsts'
It's difficult to have so many profound physical and emotional memories with someone who is just doing their job.
But what a wonderful, unique job it is! A job in which I discover, in a very real and embodied way, about my personal strengths and weaknesses. That's not something I would say of all adult film shoots. It's very special and very raw.
Trust and Vulnerability
It's always a challenge to be vulnerable and open on camera. But something about getting hit just the right way makes opening up a little less challenging.
In order to go to those tender and vulnerable places with a dominant, I need to develop a sense of trust. It takes time to build real trust, and it is extremely delicate, ironically. There are very few people that I trust to do this with me, and JP is one of those trusted few.
I need this in my life. These aren't just lessons in submission, they are lessons that I carry with me everyday.
Chemistry and Authenticity
I discovered my essential qualities for a meaningful Kink scene that day: chemistry and authenticity.
Both of these components are so important to me as a performer, and it is glaringly obvious if they are faked. This is why I love BDSM — there is no hiding. It demands that you show up as your whole self.
Navigating BDSM Life
Performing with KINK teaches me how to navigate my way through BDSM scenes as a submissive. The crew communicates with a sense of thoughtfulness and care. An awareness and mindfulness around my emotional state and physical well being is always paramount. I am not afraid to use my safe word and I never let my ego get in the way of voicing my needs.
I need this in my life. These aren't just lessons in submission, they are lessons that I carry with me everyday.
